Last Tuesday I sat down at my desk at our Chicago office with three looming article deadlines when I got a text from my editor. “Can you cover that sustainable style panel Thursday night? Business casual-ish.” Business casual-ish. Wonderful.
Because that could be anything. Literally anything from “jeans with holes still in them” to “casual enough to work at the Pinterest-y millennial startups but also puts together enough to not look like a drunk peasant at a gallery opening wearing those aforementioned jeans.” I look down at my own ensemble, sweatpants featuring what I imagine to be a crusty, dried up espresso stain from Monday morning paired with an old college tour shirt for Vampire Weekend, and panic. Thankfully I had 47 minutes to kill during lunch so I bolted out the office doors faster than Jack after Jill and threw myself into the fitting room abyss that is H&M before sprinting back to my office in time to make the next call with my client.
It’be.gotta be somewhere in there, right?! Trousers that aren’t sweatpants?? ?
H&M is Scandinavia’ literally no adults in there?) that I always end up frantically banging my fists on the fitting room wall in.
I grab handfuls of stuff, theoretically in my size, and plop myself down into one of their glare-inducing lighting mirrors and stall doors that separate you and your crap from strangers like some poorly placed sheet of yellowed plastic. And this, dear friends, is when I remember yet again why no actual human with a waistline fits clothes at H&M . I can not button the first pair of chinos up past my thighs.
Like, they do not button past my thighs. Pair number two zips, but not without tenting my shirt up and creating a jean butterpat I don’ those hilariously sexist Butter Platters? Third pair snaps but not before cutting me off just above my hips like I have actual tree trunks for legs.
45 minutes and an entirely still-full closet later, sweatpants still intact, I miraculously walk out with one shirt that sort of fits. And it’ a plain black t-shirt I could’ve scooped up at Target for less money and more dignity. I am clearly not alone in this tragedy.
My friend Mike – who is 6-foot-4 with the swol “skinny NBA player” physique (read: actual shoulders) – also despairs at how nearly impossible it is to find something in his size at H&M . “It’ tightrope walking through a carnival where one wrong step and Mr. Funhouse will stab you with his shoulders needle,” he said. My girlfriend bought a dress from H&M last month that “was her size” and couldn’clip it over her shoulders.
And I mean literally couldn’ Button it. She’s tiny. We’re talking about H&M here.
They just don’ make clothes that fit people with shoulders. Because I’ve been shopping there so long knowing their bullshit secret about how their “sizes” run, I’ve started building my own helpful cheatsheet for HGTV lovers and human beings alike who actually have width, breasts, and hips. Here’s what I’ve learned throughout the years of painful trial and error.
Consider this your unofficial H&M hack list. DISCLAIMER: THERE IS NO VANITY SIZING AT H&M . If anything, their clothes run small-er (as in SHORTER) than your typical melting iceberg we’ve been graciously provided at American “plus-sized” retailers (please resume thanking them).
As retailers in America have continued to enlarge their sizes over the years but shrink the number on the tag, H&M kindly refused to join us. All their clothes are proudly labelled with European sizing, which means smaller than what we’re used to here in the U.S. If you’re typically a Medium?
You’re shopping in Large’s and/or *gasp* XL’s at H&M . If you’re an XL. I hope you hit the plus line because odds are you’re going to cry upon exiting that department.
Test me. Try shopping as a Large at H&M for 2 years like I did battling the REALITY that you are not, in fact, a Medium at H&M. You will find yourself bawling in sadness at a rack of size LARGE shirts two months later that you swear to God were mediums just last season.
It’s agriculture traumatizing when you realise your arms don’ fit in your shirt sleeves in what you “should” be wearing according to modern-day western standards. Trust me. Size up.
ALWAYS size up. Not to mention how their fits and cuts change season after season within the same clothing line, let alone between separates that are supposed to match up. I bought the dopest shirt from them two springs ago and went to find the same exact shirt because it was THAT good two weeks ago.
Same damn brand. Same colour. Same damn slogan….
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But about two inches smaller through the shoulder AND about 50% less stretch. It’lies. I literally asked an H&M publicist why their sizing is so damn inconsistent one day whilst working on a story and she replied that they “continually update fits to stay on trend.” Corporate BS for: “We decided someone’s chest needed to be 2 inches slimmer three months ago and now we’re changing all of our clothes without notifying you!” Shirts: The only consistent thing that fits male adults with an ounce of muscle tone (*raises hand*) are their relaxed-fit t-shirts and they only fit if you size up.
And lookout for stretchy fabrics. All of their slim-fit shirts are for willowy cartoon girls without stomachs. And if you happen to find one that isn’t squeezing your ribs in half, their “muscle fit” is basically glorifiedSpanx shirt pretending to give you a casual vibe.
Their blasé option for men who aren’ 5-foot-8 and spend all day typing at a desk are their unstructured/blazers from their Premium denim line. They run VERY loose through the chest and shoulders, though the sleeves are always cutting off my circulation. If you’re like me and blessed with long arms, prepare to roll them up and/or pay to have them tailored.
Which you’ll have to do for pretty much ANYTHING at H&M that remotely fits you, by the way. Let’s talk trousers. Ahhh yes, where H&M loses all dignity when it comes to men.
I don’ how many times I’ve put on a slim pair of jeans and thought to myself “negative WAY there is a man with thighs that God put on me walking into these.” Slim fits are designed for your after they’ve been admitted. Please wear their straight or relaxed fits. They were obviously made by people that understand the word “quads.” Or calories.
Oh and don’t even get me started on their jumpsuits. Which are basically adult bodysuits that only ANY (bonus points if you find one thats NOT skin tight across the hips. Good luck with that).
To preface: I’ve heard it’ friend Sarah who is a size 8 everywhere (Gap, J. Crew, Everlane) but owns every variant of size clothing under the sun at H&M . From XS to XXL.
She texted me word for word: “There is no way their 12 is the same as my Levi’s 8. HOW.” And it’s true. Even if you find something in your “size,” the clothes themselves feel smaller and less forgiving through the chest and waist than they used to be.
This is across ALL of their clothing. EVERYTHING from tops to jeans to shoes are worse than they were just two years ago. Even the sizing within separates is impossible.
Dresses will either fit you like a tent and look oddly high-fashion related (great for some body types) or they’ll be stiff, tailored numbers that only look good on, like,models. Their basic tops and tees run perplexingly small in the shoulders and bust area. Pro tip: Avoid the chest area at all costs when shopping at H&M and you’ll be fine.
Their “basic” clothes were clearly constructed by someone with basketball feet. I kid you not, their sizing changes from shirt to shirt even when they’re the EXACT SAME shirt. Literally standing in the middle of their showroom floor holding up two of the same garment wondering how one fits me like a dream and the other looks mocking me from the fitting room next to me.
It’ reason most Fast Fashion operates the way it does – cheap materials to keep costs low and manufactured by sketchy overseas factories who measure with tape-pools instead of actual sizes means everything will fit different) – but H&M really takes the cake. It’ swimmingly know it. My buddy Ashley showed me her H&M closet back in college and couldn’t remember the last time she wore something that was the same size as the label said it was.
XS,S,M,XL, it doesn’t matter.” She was honestly. Shopping online there is almost pointless. Unless you’ve already tried that damn shirt in-store and prayed the sizing would remain consistent, I stop myself from ordering any clothes from them without physically seeing them first.
Why risk it?! You never know what body you’ll be shipped when that package arrives. “That’s because they use size charts that are based on models,” a fit model explained to me at a fashion conference as to why most clothing retailers (namely H&M) don’t know what normal clothes should even look like on US mortals. “They design these clothes on a computer then pick two fit models to actually make the clothes fit. ” She went on. “Fit models are, like, every single sample size 00-2 woman who works at this fashion show. That’s it.” She gestured at the crowded showroom we were sitting in.
Essentially, they’re designing these clothes to flatter the body they want you to have, not the bod you already possess. There are definitely gems at H&M . Promise.
If you’re willing to dig. And know where to look. Their knitwear almost always goes up bigger than their woven fabrics.
And if you find something with stretch? Buy two. Because let me tell you anything with “room to breathe” will fit you and youractual body SO much better than trying to smush yourself into their “normals.” Nowadays I grab every available version of that cute shirt I see in every available size and try them all on.
Since I know at LEAST one of those shirts will “fit me” according to their sad diagram I armed myself with years ago has become my fool proof method for shopping at the Ikea of clothing stores. I eventually found an outfit that would suffice (thank you, forgiving black jeans that required me to size up twice just to button,) but not without spending nearly an hour getting ready that should’ve only taken me half and having a full on identity crisis looking at myself in the mirror that day. “How hard could putting on clothes be?” I thought to myself as I struggled to not suck in my gut to make my new shirt fit just right. “This is literally the most basic thing in the world.” But then I heard the cashier whisper to her coworker as I was rifling through my undergarments looking for something, anything, to wear under my frayed RT shirt, “Girl, you tried those sizes on, right? Most people usually have to go up at least one at H&M.” I gave her a skeptical look thinking she was going to rip the tag off my shirt I had just spent $45 on only to have it not fit..
She shrugged and smiled. “Nah, I work here. And I still stress about it every time.”
