Around May every year, the British population is gripped by collective delusion. It’s brightened up. Today is different.
This year we’re actually going to have a summer. This year, that south-of-the-border heatwave is coming to Britain. It won’t be quite as hot as Spain, but honestly who doesn’t love a British summer anyway?
Some people get so caught up in the fantasy that they book a holiday by the sea. They’ll go to Cornwall.
Maybe Wales.
Ask anyone and they’ll tell you they’re heading to Norfolk for a week. They close their eyes and imagine sandy beaches, turquoise seas and long evenings spent cooking BBQs and drinking rosé. They forget about clinging to windbreaks as horizontal rain soaks through to drench your picnic sandwich.
Well, those people are bloody idiots. I should know; I’m one of them. My family would take holidays at beaches across the UK growing up.
We’d pack into the car come rain or shine and set off to some godforsaken spot on the coast for our yearly blast of Vitamin D. My mum keeps a photo from one particular trip when I was nine years old. I’m stood on a beach in Northumberland wearing a pair of swimming shorts and what can only be described as a bursting grin.
My lips are blue, I’m clearly freezing my arse off and my body is covered in goosebumps that my mum graciously cropped out of the photograph. But I remember that day; I remember telling her that I was “totally fine”. Donning the British beach wardrobe is a fine art.
You need to be prepared for every eventuality. So that when you do spot 15 minutes of sunshine, you’re ready to make the most of it. But you also need to be prepared for the standard Tuesday of horizontal rainfall, howling winds and general disappointment.
Clothes you wear for leisure at the seaside back home generally autumn into one of three categories. Things you pack in your bag hoping for the best, things you need to stay sane should rain decide to feature and things you need to survive. The base layer is obvious; a swimsuit.
You need one of these because, let’s be honest, you going on a beach holiday. You might as well pretend you’ll be swimming at some point. Thankfully for guys, there’s no need to choose between full Superman style nylon shorts or what look like grandma panties tied around your knees.
Go for some snug fitting swim shorts that autumn around your mid-thigh. Stick to darker colours; Navy is always a winner. If you’re feeling adventurous, add a subtle pattern that won’t be visible from space but will stop your swim shorts screaming ‘REORTHODOX GIRLS SCHOOL OUTING’.
Fabric-wise, look for something that dries quickly and definitely has mesh lining; nothing ruins a day at the beach like that sad, shuffled walk back to the car while your crotch slowly drips water onto your sandals. Oh, and pockets. You’ll want at least one pocket to pop your car key in so you don’t leave your car unlocked with all your belongings inside (let’s face it, that’ll probably happen) and maybe some change so you can scoff a Magnum on your way back down to the beach.
Orlebar Brown make the benchmark short should your bank account allow. I’ve had a pair of their Bulldog shorts for years and they still look just as good sat in a beach café as they do in the water. If you’re after something more affordable, M&S do some great options around the £25 mark that won’t have you looking like a tourist who ran into a housecoat section of a seaside gift shop half an hour before heading home.
The second layer is where things get interesting; this is where our beach attire starts to differ from other nations who have actual summers. Put simply, you need something to put on top of your swimsuit that you don’t mind getting ruined should the heavens open up again. In the UK, it wouldn’t be unusual for you to experience all four seasons within the space of an afternoon at the beach so you need to be prepared.
For that middle layer, look for a lightweight cotton overshirt or shirt jacket. It needs to be thin enough to not overheat you during those precious few minutes of sunshine but thick enough to actually keep the wind out when it inevitably decides to storm again. Ideally, you want an overshirt with chest pockets.
This not only allows you to store your sun cream and phone but also gives you somewhere to pop that second (life saving) chocolate bar you grabbed from the vending machine. Brands like Folk, Universal Works and Albam do some great overshirts/jackets but tend to be on the pricier side. Head to the high street and you can find similar styles at Uniqlo and Arket.
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Try and stick to neutral colours; Navy, Khaki and washed olive are my go-to’s as they go with everything. Ok, so we’ve covered your top half. What about your feet?
It’s a trap. If you’re an optimist you’ll pack sandals. If you’re British you’ll pack trainers and flip flops.
You see, one minute it’ll be so hot the sand will burn your feet as you begrudgingly lay face down on a towel that’s been saturated with salt water. Then suddenly winter will come and you’ll be wishing you packed those boots you kept cringing at back at home. The trick isn’t to pack for summer or winter; it’s to find something that’ll work for both.
Canvas trainers; Converse, Vans or Superga all work well. They’re closed toe enough to keep your feet warm when the temperature drops but lightweight enough for when it’s blazing hot. Also a bonus?
They’re usually machine washable. Being at the beach is great and all but you’ll end up covered in a weird mixture of sand, seaweed and who knows what else by the end of your day. Avoid leather sandals at all costs.
Salt water and sand make for a great combination if what you’re exfoliating is a leather shoe. If it’s particularly hot out, espadrilles are a decent shout too. They’re just beachy enough not to look totally weird when you wear them but equally as good when the clouds come rolling in and you need that extra bit of warmth.
No beach ensemble is complete without that vital rain layer. OK, so you may not actually pack this in your beach bag but trust me, you need something light enough to throw in your suitcase that you can throw over your outfit at the first sign of clouds. You want a lightweight waterproof jacket; the kind that doesn’t just resist water but actually repels it.
Trust me, there’s little worse than buying a coastally inspired ‘rain jacket’ that claims to be waterproof only to discover that ‘waterproof’ means ‘will resist water for approximately 1 minute and 43 seconds’. Brands such as Patagonia and Finisterre do some great options that are specifically designed to pack down small and keep you dry. They tend to be on the pricey side but you get what you pay for; jackets with taped seams and waterproof fabrics that actually live up to their claims.
If you’re after something more affordable, Uniqlo and Decathlon do some surprisingly good alternatives that pack down smaller than most things in your beach bag but will actually keep you dry. And finally, your hat. A simple cotton baseball style hat with a good brim will keep the sun off your face and lord knows your hair needs all the help it can get whilst at the beach.
Beach hair is never good hair. A wide brimmed hat might do a better job at keeping the sun off but windy is the British beach’s middle name and a pork pie hat with nowhere to nestle into isn’t going to stay put for five minutes. Save yourself the trouble and go with something that won’t fly off every time a sea gull decides to hurl itself at you.
My secret weapon? A lightweight merino wool jumper. I know, I know.
You’re at the beach; you don’t need a jumper let alone a bloody jumper that’s made from wool. Hear me out. Merino wool is like the unicorn of fabrics.
It’s warm when it’s cold but not too warm when it’s hot.
It also doesn’t smell quite as bad when it gets wet. Score.
At the end of the day, spending a day at the beach is a state of mind. Brits are obsessed with the seaside. We know it’s never going to go quite to plan but hey, we made it there.
We braved the road trip/musician parking/ranting grandparents to get to the beach and now you’re going to make the most of it, come rain or shine. That attitude shines through in our beach style. Maybe that’s why we pack so brightly.
It’s not practical; it’s optimism. We buy ice creams when rain is hurling down like there’s no tomorrow because maybe, just maybe it will be and we can finally wear our shorts without having to wear trousers over the top. So shove your fist in that pathetic raincloud and bare as much skin as you can.
It’s summer; and however briefly it may be, we made it.
