What’s worse than taking a bad picture? Spending hours getting ready only to take a bad picture. That happened to me at my friend Mike’s wedding roughly two years ago.
I haven’t quite shook it off since. I thought I had it together. Had planned out my outfit weeks in advance.
Navy dress trousers that were too expensive for me to admit ($150, don’t tell Lauren), light blue button up that the men’s department sales associate insisted was “perfect for outdoor occasions,” and a pair of leather dress shoes I had been saving. Stared at myself in the bathroom mirror before we left the house and thought, damn Patrick you’re lookin’ good.
Jeremy even told me I looked “fancy dad” which I took as high praise coming from a seven year old.
You can probably see where this is going. Wedding photos were uploaded to Facebook. Holy shit.
There I am stood next to Lauren looking like an unemployed uncle who raided his sibling’s closet for clothes two sizes too small. Shirt awkwardly tucked and bunching up around my midsection, slouching over like a chew toy that took one too many from the family dog, and for some reason I look 15 pounds heavier than I did standing next to myself in the mirror. All while standing next to Mike’s cousin Derek – who was wearing what I’m convinced was a Target shirt and trousers from wherever the hell Derek shops, and let’s be honest here, Derek doesn’t shop anywhere expensive – looking like he belongs on the cover of GQ’s “Best Watches of 2018” edition.
Damn it took me months to get over that photo. Not because I knew I looked terrible (okay yes, mainly because I knew I looked terrible), but why? How did everyone else around me not have this same problem?
I’ve been writing about men’s style for years for christ’s sake. Should know what looks good and what doesn’t in photos. Turns out knowing what will theoretically look good and knowing how to actually execute for real life situations are two different things.
So like any logical person would do, I became completely obsessed. Dedicated myself to finding out why some men always look damn good in photos while other men… don’t. And y’all it’s not all about having great genetics and clothes you can’t afford.
Some of it is science, actually. The first thing I learned was embarrassing. How I stood threw off my entire outfit.
Like literally the way I hold myself when I stand up is what made me look like someone who stayed up too late shredding street meat last night. Catching myself in the mirror I stand with my shoulders rolled forward from hunching over my laptop too much at work, head down from staring at my phone too much, spine curved so far in I looked like “the office-worker that gave up on life.” Lean and confident dudes stand a little differently than me. Not like they’re at drill instructor status attention, but damn straight they have their chest up and shoulders back.
And their chin is parallel to the ground rather than staring down at tiny circles on their phone. It’s unnatural at first, feels like you’re forcing it. But damn does it look natural in photos.
Like you know you look good, but you’re not trying to show off how good you look. I spent weeks (Sophie thought this was hilarious) fixing my posture in the mirror. Would catch me standing in our bathroom adjusting how I stood and burst through the door yelling “Daddy’s making his fancy face again!” Kids.
Honest little creatures. Once I mastered my stand alone, it was night and day. Lauren noticed before I even told her what I changed.
Asked if I had been going to the gym more, which I should’ve took as a compliment considering my “fitness routine” mostly consists of running around after Sophie in the park and lifting Jackson when he refuses to walk from the car to Target because “his legs are tired.” The real eye-opener, though? It wasn’t just my posture. It was how I was looking at my clothes too.
That blue button up I wore to Mike’s wedding felt amazing when I put it on. Enough room to move, wasn’t too tight, great for a long day of wedding events. But my shirt hung on me in photos like I was the chubby friend still wearing my older brothers clothes.
Did you know that cameras flatten out everything you wear? That perfect fitting shirt you’ve been wearing doesn’t look like it fits you very well in photos. Sure guys that always look amazing know their proportions and buy clothes that fit them to perfection.
Maybe even have their clothes tailored to fit their frame. I took a couple of my shirts to the tailors. Old man who’s beenaltering clothes longer than I’ve been alive downtown and explained my photography situation to him.
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Laughed and said he hears this all the time. “Men think comfort” he said as he pulled my shirt and had it fit tighter to my torso. “Camera don’t know comfort. Camera know shape.” The difference was incredible. He let in my shirts about half an inch through the sides.
Barely noticeable when wearing them but photos changed everything. Finally looked like I owned the clothes I was wearing instead of stealing them from the airport lounge. Colours/patterns are a whole different beast.
Button up I wore to Mike’s wedding looked great on me when I was shopping. Nice blue colour, went with my navy trousers, safe choice. Didn’t photograph well at all, though.
Washed me out and made me blend into the background. What I learned is that fabrics with texture photograph 10x better than ones without. Oxford cloth shirts are your friend, wool jumpers with some sort of texture to it, anything that isn’t 100% polyester.
Smooth fabrics don’t photograph well at all and tiny patterns (think small cheques or thin stripes) can create this awful shimmering effect when you take pictures that makes you look cheap. Learned that lesson the hard way when I wore a fucking gingham button up to Jackson’s school awards night. Thought it would look great on me, felt s tartchy as hell and washed me out in every photo.
Lauren was too kind to say something but man did I feel it in her eyes. Stuck to solids or very large patterns that show up well in photos. Dark/navy, medium grey, colours with actual substance to them.
Stay away from really light colours because that camera flash will wash you out and all dark because you’ll disappear into that black hole where all detail goes. Minor thing nobody tells you about photos is to adjust yourself before a picture is about to be taken. Watch good looking dudes in photos.
They always do this slight adjustment where they smooth out their shirt, tug on their collar and just make sure everything is laying how it should. Takes all of three seconds but totally changes your photos. Now I have a mental checklist before every photo. shoulders back?
Cheque. Shirt properly tucked? Cheque.
Collar lying flat? Cheque. Sleeves looking good?
Cheque. Sounds dumb I know, but seriously helps. Never had someone at Lauren’s holiday party last year ask me if I lost weight or bought new clothes more than when I started doing this.
Same thing with facial expressions. Nine times out of 10 guys make this awkward face when they know a picture is about to be taken. Fake smile with a I wanna please everyone but actually dislike this bastage kinda look.
Rubbery arms with dudes that always look good don’t try to do “a photo face.” They think about something hilarious right before someone tells them to smile or they practise in the mirror. Seriously took me way too long figuring out what looks natural in photos. Ended up using my iPhones front camera and just practiced until I got it right.
You either think of something funny right before to countdown or just take a deep breathe and let it out slowly to relax your face.
The last thing I’ve learned about grooming and photos. You notice little things about yourself in photos that you don’t see when you look in the mirror.
Little bits of hair that stick up you didn’t know were there, maybe your skin is a little oily that day or your eyebrows have gone completely wild. Photos pick up on these things so I started paying more attention to them if I know I’ll be photographed. Jokes on me because now Sophie thinks it’s hilarious and yells “daddy making fancy face” any time I adjust myself in public.
Girl will be 4 next month and thinks she’s above wearing trousers. Look, I’m no saying you have to be hyperaware of every detail of your outfit before a photo is about to be taken. Because trust me, kids dont care if your shirt fits you correctly – they’re going to rip it with peanut butter jam if they can.
What I’m saying is understanding these basic tips and tricks means you aren’t terrified every time someone you’re tagged in a photo. Photos are everywhere these days. Might as well not hate them.
